16
Life without Limits
Anton had gotten into the habit of going to freestyle rap battles and poetry nights at the Community Project. He liked the way they treated him not as a celebrity, but as an artist and fellow striver. Sometimes he went with Sebastian and his girlfriend Melissa, because Melissa dabbled in poetry and enjoyed doing readings. The trouble was that she needed a lot of encouragement, and he was in no mood for that. "I like the part about 'the eyes of a child in all our eyes.' It's the most sensitive poem I've heard in a long time." That wasn't for him.
He hoped to run into Sabrina at the Community Project, but he hadn't seen her since the Extreme Liberties tour. Maybe she wasn't even in town. He fantasized about what might happen between them the next time he saw her dressed up as the Blues Singer. After seducing him with her husky voice, would she let him abuse her? Would she remain "classically passive" as he left bruises on her porcelain skin? He had no chance to find out, because her duties as Reinhold's enforcer kept her too busy to indulge "the romantic side of me."
Although Sabrina was never at the Community Project, her intelligence seemed to hover over the place. Each time Anton walked into the old meeting hall, he felt like he was stepping inside her. Her assistants moved through the room as if guided by her thoughts. Big Joe never said a word, nodding to his customers as he polished glasses and poured drinks. Peter greeted people at the door, set up chairs, and acted as emcee. Sometimes he recited his own poems, which sounded like they were written by a robot. Anton's favorite was "Waiting for Control." Cybele was as elusive as moonlight on water, gliding around with a tinkling of bells. When she danced, there was a whirl of movement followed by a sudden stop, leaving an image or emotion fixed in the mind.
It made Anton uncomfortable to realize that these people were Reinhold agents. Had they tasted the assassins' paradise, the garden that was a prison for life? Were they already addicted, or were they still waiting for their chance? He was glad that most of the rappers and street artists who came to the Community Project knew nothing about this. They were ordinary people who cared about poetry and art. When they were around, the atmosphere stopped being creepy to Anton, and became lively and animated.
Sebastian seemed to thrive in this environment. In his Trashtown days, Anton would have expected him to perform a fire show there, torching his sculptures in the middle of the floor. But he'd moved on from such outrageous stunts. Instead, he spoke passionately about his paintings to anyone who would listen, inviting them to his studio to see for themselves. Melissa was another story. She was nervous and protective of her imagined talent. For a professional stripper, she was oddly high strung. Their personalities were so different that Anton wondered what kept them together.
One night when he stopped by their studio on his way to the Community Project, he found Sebastian alone, a nervous wreck. Melissa had walked out on him a few days before. They sought consolation together in red wine and a bag of weed, and discussed what had happened. The couple had gotten into a fight about money, with Melissa complaining that she was the only one earning a living. Without her, Sebastian would be roaming the streets, talking to himself and picking through garbage. Sebastian had called her a "castrating bitch," to which she'd replied, "You never had any balls to begin with." She'd packed her bags and walked out, saying, "Let's see which of us can handle life on her own."
Realizing that wine and weed weren't consolation enough, Sebastian suggested dropping acid as well. Anton hadn't tripped for a long time, so he agreed it would be fun. As the first rush came on, the boundary between his body and the world grew electric. He played with a peach he found lying on the kitchen table. As he stroked its downy skin, the hairs on his own arm tingled. Sebastian reminded him that it was poetry night at the Community Project, and that Melissa would be there. They decided to go.
They arrived just as people were settling into their chairs. Cybele greeted them at the door, and showed them to seats near the back. Sebastian was fascinated by her breasts, which he called peaches. "Check out her peaches," he whispered to Anton. Laughing, he told her, "With all due respect, ma'am, I'd like to taste your peaches." Cybele glided away, saying nothing.
As they sat down, Sebastian stumbled over his chair, making a noise that turned heads throughout the hall. It made Anton self-conscious, and the acid multiplied the effect. He saw Sebastian and himself as icons of shabby glamour. Sebastian's corduroy jacket was frayed at the edges and meticulously mended. An old scarf was tossed around his neck. Anton wore a rust-colored sweater he'd found at the thrift store, and dark olive slacks. The colors looked good on him, he thought.
Peter stepped to the microphone. "Tonight's reading is themeless." Two girls with lots of hair jostled in the aisle, blocking Anton's view. "Will you get out of there!" he said in a strangled voice, just as the first reader took the stage.
He pulled a peach from his shoulder pack and bit into it. It was a perfect gesture, he thought, full of isolation and self-containment. "Peaches!" Sebastian said, staring at him in astonishment. Anton laughed and handed him one of his own.
The audience shifted politely, some waiting their turn, others there to support their friends. As the minutes wore on, Anton grew restless. His sweater made him itch. Sebastian was restless too, whispering whatever came into his head. When the poet at the microphone mentioned insects, he said excitedly, "The ants are talking to me again. They say Melissa is a torturess." People shot him angry looks.
Next came a poem about gender identity. Referring to chromosomes, it repeated the refrain, "Let x equal y." "Why should x equal y?" Sebastian commented. "Let x equal peaches!"
"Please be quiet," someone said.
"He's not talking to you," Anton shot back.
"Show some respect," said another.
"You show respect! If you listen to him, you might learn something."
The poem droned to its conclusion, and next up was Melissa. She was sitting in front, so they didn't see her until she took the stage. She glared at them before beginning. "This poem is about the baby I'll have one day, and the world of peace I'd like it to live in."
To my unborn baby....
"Hey, that's original," Anton said. He didn't mean for her to hear him, but it was audible throughout the hall.
She started again, in a higher register this time.
To my unborn baby
Whose eyes have not yet seen a mother's tears
When her son doesn't return from war....
"I hope your baby is born blind," Anton said.
"Will you be quiet!" someone told him.
"Respect the poets," said another.
"Wait, it gets better," Sebastian was saying. "She read it to me once, it's really special."
Melissa tried to power through the disruption by raising her voice.
Whose heart has never felt the shame of knowing
That brown eyes and blue eyes and black eyes
Yellow skin and brown skin and pink skin
Aren't the same to all people....
Anton stood up. "Who are you kidding. This sucks!"
"Do you have something better?" someone challenged.
"How can you sit there and listen to this?" Anton said. "This is awful beyond words."
Peter took the microphone. "I think we should respect the poets, and save the discussion for after the reading."
"Maybe the poets should respect us," Anton answered him. "If somebody's pissing on my shoes, I'm gonna get mad."
"Anton, can we save this for after the reading? These may not be the feelings of everyone in the room. I really think we should respect the poets."
"Do you have something better?" the challenge came again.
"Yeah, put up or shut up. If you don't have something better, you shouldn't criticize."
"Of course I've got something better! My ass can make better poetry than that."
"Let the young woman finish," came a prim voice.
"Anton, you're not on the reading list," Peter said into the microphone. "I think we should just stick to the program."
"So let's hear it," said the challenger, overruling Peter.
"Yeah, let's see what the kid's got."
"I didn't compose something for the occasion," Anton said bitingly. "I didn't come with a manuscript. I've just got my brain on."
"Okay, then."
"Well, okay." He took a breath and began.
Once I've learned to thread the bow of time
And pull it taut, once I've learned to pluck it
In all its intervals, its natural harmonies
Then I will let the arrow fly. Let time begin!
Let the song of the arrow pierce the heavens.
Let the song of the arrow be the seed
For a new drama, a new arc of history.
Let the plagues come, the floods and the fire,
Let our proud cities be encased in ice.
Let armies of unwashed peoples swarm our shores
As courtesans and hypocrites dance
On balconies against the dying light.
Let my thoughts sing as if exploding this building,
Let the world blow up and carry this song.
Let the intensity of this moment penetrate all other moments.
Let the agony of this moment be an impossible joy!
Let it all happen, let it come down.
The arrow has been launched
The dagger has been cast
The spear is in flight.
Sebastian gave a joyous trill, and chaos broke out. Some people applauded, others heckled the applauders. Melissa tried to start again from the beginning, but no one was listening. Someone yelled at her, "The kid won! Get off the stage."
A young man stood up and began to recite his poetry in one corner of the room. A woman did the same in the opposite corner and their lines wove together, each filling the spaces left by the other. A rhythm formed. Not to be outdone, other poets joined in with scattered phrases.
"Respect the poets," someone said, half singing, and it became a refrain. "Respect the po-ets...! Respect the po-ets...!" People drummed on their metal chairs, and Sebastian continued his wild trills.
An argument swirled around Melissa, who stood at the front of the hall just below the stage. She made rapid arm gestures and spoke shrilly, as Peter and some of her friends tried to calm her down. Someone shouted at her, "Just deal with it." Finally, she stormed out of the room with her entourage.
Anton got caught up in a fight. Some people tried to push him into the street, yelling that he was nothing but a showoff who should learn some manners. He pushed back and managed to hold his own. Sebastian danced around the battle scene emitting war whoops, which wasn't very helpful.
A jazz interlude followed. Anton wasn't sure how it had happened, but he could remember a jazz piano and a sultry female voice. The room filled with tender warmth, a crimson glow, a feeling of despair and longing. People grew wistful, enraptured. Some were even dancing cheek to cheek. Once it was over, many were reluctant to leave, standing around talking in small groups.
He saw Sabrina off to one side in her Blues Singer dress, and he realized that she had been the source of the glow. She was chatting with Sebastian, who seemed to have fallen under her spell. His eyes glistened, and he nodded to everything she said.
"I'm an agent," she was saying as Anton approached. "You can be cultivated. I have connections in the art world who can help you."
"I paint insects," Sebastian told her. "Insects and clouds. Sometimes I glue baby heads to the canvas. You should come to my studio and see."
"Just bring them here. If we like them, we'll put them up." She gestured around the walls, where there was already a collection of young people's art: monkeys in ruined temples, spray-painted Buddhas, hermaphrodites with spiky hair.
"How will I get them here? They're too big."
"Bring one or two. If you need help, we'll send someone." She turned to Anton, who was standing next to her. "I want to congratulate you on the ruckus you made tonight. We haven't had that kind of excitement in a long time."
"I see you've discovered Sebastian."
"To be honest, I've known about him since Trashtown. He's evolving nicely, don't you think? It's time I gave him a little boost."
Sebastian's attention had wandered, as if they were talking on a wavelength he couldn't hear. His eyes followed Cybele as she glided about, collecting chairs and stacking them by the stage. He drifted toward her, stopping at a respectful distance and swaying gently.
"If you're trying to recruit Sebastian for Reinhold's army," Anton said, "I've got a problem with that."
She laughed. "He'll make a good volunteer, don't you think? He's precocious and good looking, which is what we like. And he's docile, not obnoxious like you."
"Once the volunteers get a taste of the garden, they're addicted forever. That's what you said. So they aren't really volunteers, are they?"
"You're trying to protect your friend. That's loyal of you. But remember, not everyone gets a chance to enter the garden, and the ones who are invited can always refuse. Shouldn't you let him choose for himself?"
The acid was still working on Anton, otherwise he would have said that no one can choose unless he knows what he's choosing. Instead he just stood there, flummoxed.
"Speaking of Reinhold," she said, "I hear you've been in communication with him."
Anton laughed. "You mean the payoff? The suitcase full of cash?"
She leaned in, her fingertips grazing his arm. "The strategy I laid out for you is working. The Colonel is showing his hand. He knows that I've taken an interest in you, and he's trying to win you back. There'll be more of that to come."
He marveled at the fierceness in her eyes. "You're always anticipating the next step, aren't you? Looking to the inevitable catastrophe at the end of the road. The squalor of everyday life doesn't interest you. It can't compare with the seed of perfection you carry within you. You never lose track of your reason for being here in the world."
She was amused. "You could be describing yourself, you know."
"That occurred to me while I was saying it. Only, I'm a full-grown tree of perfection you'd like to chop down."
She frowned. "Who says I'm your adversary?"
"Isn't that how it's written? It's your job to keep an eye on me, keep things under control."
"We could rewrite the script. Or go off the script into a zone where nothing is written."
"That would be dangerous!"
"I thought you liked danger."
He gave her an intrigued look. "You want me to spy on the Colonel? You think I'm his heir apparent, so I can get access to him that you don't have? You want me to infiltrate his command center, be your man on the inside."
"You forget, dear, I'm already on the inside. The command center is no secret to me. You don't even know its name. All I want is for you to keep your eyes open, more for your sake than for mine. You should be thinking about your future. Because at some point, you'll have a decision to make. When you do, you'd better have as much information as possible. You'll make a better decision that way. So by all means look around you, ask questions, find out what you can. Do it for yourself. I already know."
She signaled Peter. He began moving the last stragglers toward the door.
"As for being heir apparent, don't even start. For one thing, Reinhold is planning to outlive us all. You wouldn't believe me at first when I said he was grooming you. Now you call yourself the heir apparent. All I can say is, how typical. You can't imagine a story you aren't the center of. Yes, you're an important player. Act like a prince and the carpet will be laid down, bugles will sound, lilies will be scattered as you walk by. Enjoy it while it lasts, and see where it takes you. But be warned, there is no heir apparent. No one is indispensable to Reinhold."
Cybele finished putting away chairs and drifted from the room. With nothing left to gawk at, Sebastian returned to them like a gangly puppy. Anton took his arm and guided him to the door. He kept looking back at Sabrina, as if unwilling to break the spell.
"Don't forget the paintings," she told him as they left.
• • •
"Did you know that Champion's mad at me?" Reinhold asked Kliff. "He says that protégé of mine lost him one of his best clients, Vince Dubious, drummer. It seems that young man's career held a lot promise until recently. But his falling out with Anton caused his prospects to plummet."
They were seated across from each other in a stylish bar in London. Reinhold wore a pale gray banker's suit and glasses with a rose tint. Kliff was dressed in a velvet jacket, dark corduroy breeches, and riding boots. His hands rested on the silver ball of a walking stick. He leaned his chin there, gazing at the Colonel. The dark growth on his upper lip had been joined by another on his chin. He had the air of a primitive who'd stumbled upon style without understanding it.
Johnny Champion, like Sabrina, was one of Reinhold's referees, a member of his inner circle. His specialty was heroin, harvested on plantations in Afghanistan and brought into the country using the CIA's own drug-running planes and airstrips. Vince was one of Champion's preferred clients, because in addition to his own and Diane's habits, he provided for a number of friends and hangers-on. Champion called this "the miracle of the loaves and fishes," due to Vince's ability to feed a multiplying hunger.
In order to connect with the rebel youth who were his main target, Champion presented himself as an activist with dark glasses who could be found on the sidelines at rallies, always ready to organize legal help for those arrested. When Vince's career was on the rise as the drummer for the Psychic Rangers, he'd seen the chance to grab a wide swath of the market, not just in Portland but throughout the nation. Heroin would be fashionable again! He'd increased his production, figuring he would soon be the supplier of choice to America's fashion and art worlds. Now his dream had been swept away.
"Tell Champion to chill," was Kliff's advice. "He's reading it wrong. Vince is the best drummer around. He's got a lot of bounce. Give it a few months maybe. Once people get over their shock and realize he's available, he'll be snapped up. Or he'll make a career of his own. It's a shame, though. I told Anton it was a mistake."
"Why did he do it? If Dubious is the best drummer out there, why let him go?"
"And Blake, who's the best guitar player."
"It's crazy! Why is he doing that? It's self-sabotage."
"That's how Anton is. And it's too late now to change things. The band's chemistry is shot. Vince and Blake still get together sometimes to jam, but Anton is out of the picture. It's a matter of pride for them. Money won't make them go back, because they were never in it for that. Even an ultimatum won't work."
Reinhold clucked his tongue. "I hope our young protégé isn't turning into a problem case. We have to keep promoting his career, or people will drift on to something else. If we're in a rough patch now, his ego is to blame. He's got an exaggerated sense of his own importance. That's an opportunity for us, and a danger. We need to harness that energy, make sure it's working in our favor. Is he still seeing Sabrina?"
"I'm afraid so." By now, Kliff was aware that the Community Project was Sabrina's base in Portland, and that Anton was a regular there.
Reinhold was angry. "She's doing this out of spite. She's ruining the boy's innocence. Already, he's learned too much for us to keep him in the dark. It's either tell him everything now, or destroy him. I guess that's what she wants."
"Destroy him?" Kliff showed his alarm.
"Here's what we'll do. We'll bring him to the Citadel, and let him see the inner workings of our empire. Give him a sense of what's at stake. I'll invite him into the inner circle, and let him take part in our decisions at the highest level. My guess is, he'll jump at the chance. If he doesn't, I've underestimated him, and he's worthless to me."
He removed his rose-colored glasses and polished them with a cloth. He put them back on, shinier than ever. "Your role is to prepare him for his visit. Hints, seductions, whatever it takes. Get him primed and ready. I want him at the Citadel in a few weeks."
• • •
Kliff was walking with Anton on a busy street. A girl stood at the corner, her back to them, a music player on her hip. She wore earphones and was bopping to the music.
Kliff got a glint in his eye. "Wanna see something? Wait here."
He approached the girl from behind as Anton stood watching. Unseen by her, he reached around to the music player and switched it off. She fell to the sidewalk and lay crumpled and still. He returned to Anton, grinning.
"Jesus!" Anton said. "What happened?"
"They're robots, not human. I just turned her off."
"Jesus."
Kliff beckoned. "C'mon, before we make a scene." They walked quickly past the girl, keeping a safe distance. A couple of people stopped to stand over her, looking confused.
They turned down an alley. "Hey, wait a minute!" Anton said. "Who's a robot? Women? Or people with headphones?"
"Women," Kliff said with a wry smile. "Only, most of them can't be turned off. Once they get older, they get smarter about it."
"You're nuts."
"You saw it for yourself! Women are robotic lures. They're spies, not to be trusted. Take Sabrina, for instance. I know you're still seeing her. I can smell her on you, even now." It was the first time he'd challenged Anton about this. "Don't think I'm saying this out of jealousy. I just want to warn you, women are dangerous. They don't have souls like we do. They're a tactic Reinhold uses to divide us from each other, here on earth."
"What's Reinhold got to do with it?"
"He controls them. He invented them. Watch out for women, is all I'm saying."
"Reinhold invented women? You're really nuts. Besides, I thought you were his loyal flunky. Have you switched sides all of a sudden?"
Kliff shuffled his feet. "Don't get me wrong. I don't have a grudge against Reinhold. He's done all right by me. But I learned long ago to protect my own interests. I've got the best instincts in the world for dodging bullets and shit like that." By now they were walking again. "So keep your eyes open, look out for yourself. We're free agents, you understand?"
"Funny. Sabrina told me the same thing."
"That's fine, but do you trust her?"
"Not really. Not at all."
"So it comes down to trust. Who do you trust, Anton?"
"I don't know. I wish I did."
They came to a building that had been torn down, leaving only the facade. Through its windows they could see sky, and an empty lot. Kliff stepped through the doorway, beckoning Anton to follow.
They were in a whirling, chaotic, multilevel club. Music pulsed and throbbed obsessively. Lava lamps adorned the tables, and the booths were upholstered in shimmering hues. The lights were dim, recessed. A girl with a tube top and bell bottoms walked by with a tray of cigarettes and candy. A bald German with a delicate, cruel nose stood at the bar with his arms crossed. At a nod from him, a young man with a ponytail stepped forward. They were escorted to a private booth, away from the melee.
Kliff grinned. "How do you like the change of scene?"
"Sweet! Do you think I could find this place again on my own?"
"Who knows? It's here today, so enjoy it." Two beers showed up on the table without human intervention. "Can't you see I'm your magic boy?"
"Don't try to impress me with your carnival tricks. All I know is I'm not in Iowa, and life never seemed so grand." Anton offered a toast. "To a life without limits."
"To a life without limits." Their bottles touched. Kliff leaned forward and whispered, "Be honest, though. Isn't this a bit strange to you? Doesn't it bother you that nothing is following the rules? Doesn't it seem awfully chaotic?"
"I like it this way. I grew up around people with a failure of imagination. That's why I left home."
Kliff reached in his jacket and brought out an antique cigarette case with an intricate clasp, its engraved silver surface worn almost smooth.
"Where'd you get that?" Anton asked.
"The Romanovs. You know, the Russian royal family?"
"Weren't they all shot?"
"Exactly. For a while I was seeing a Russian arms dealer, whose father was a top official in the Soviet state. He gave this to me as a parting gift."
"You mean you stole it?"
Kliff laughed. "An artist sets his own price." He flipped open the case to reveal a row of thin, hand-rolled cigarettes.
"If those are the original cigarettes, I'll bet they're stale."
"No, they're a modern blend." Moving his finger along the row, he selected one for himself and another for Anton. He studied his reflection in the inner surface of the case before snapping it shut and returning it to his pocket. He lit Anton's cigarette, then his own, drawing a leg under himself on the seat to get comfortable.
Anton was brooding. Despite what he'd said to Kliff, he had doubts. "A life without limits is too easy. If all our desires are satisfied, what are they worth? I want to believe that things mean something, that they add up."
"Of course they add up." Kliff slid closer to Anton, gripping his arm. "We're nothing but molecules, molecules with attitude. There's six billion people out there. You're unique, but so is everyone else. As talented as you are, you'll vanish completely one day. You've got no more say in it than the rest of us. On the other hand, all your molecules will still be here. They'll spread out over time, like a planet exploding slowly. If consciousness can survive that way, in our molecules, we can evolve into gods. I'd like to try that."
Anton felt uneasy. What right did they have to talk this way? "You know what? We're whores. Whores aren't philosophers. Whores don't evolve into gods."
Kliff looked him in the eyes. "Life is meant to be good, Anton. We just have to keep insisting for it to happen."
Anton drained his beer and stood up. "Let's get out of here."
They went for a walk by the river. In a confessional mood, Kliff pointed out the scenes of his misspent youth. "This is where I gave my first blowjob. This is where I used to come to sniff glue. That wooden shack is where I first met Reinhold."
They climbed onto the support beams of one of the bridges. Nestled a hundred feet above the water, they listened to the whir of traffic overhead. On the roof of a warehouse across from them was a billboard that read, "Act on Feelings and Sensations."
"That can be dangerous," Anton said. "Sometimes it can result in death."
"Like when?"
"Like right now. When you have an impulse of vertigo, a desire to fall endlessly, and you're in a high place."
"Then do it! Don't stifle what was meant to be."
"But I'll die."
"So what? The act will live. And you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that every particle of you will be recycled somewhere else in the universe."
"People will laugh at my body, smashed to bits on the rocks. They'll say it's in bad taste."
"Their deaths will be laughable too. Who said cancer is pretty?"
"It's a good Christian death." They both laughed.
Kliff could tell that Anton was in just the right mood. When they returned home, he followed Anton upstairs to his studio. As Anton fumbled with his keys, all Kliff had to do was touch his arm. Anton turned towards him, and their bodies touched. Seeing Kliff there at close range, Anton grabbed him and slammed him against the wall, a hand fumbling under his shirt. A flood of emotions poured out all at once.
Kliff showed him what it was like to possess another human being completely, to know every brainwave, every molecule of flesh. Perhaps for the first time, Anton felt satisfied, inside and out. He realized that what drew him to women was that they remained out of reach. They weren't really there, they danced away laughing. With Kliff, it was different.
They stayed together for days after that, interrupted only by deliveries of Thai food and moments when Anton felt like playing the guitar. During one of these intervals, Kliff got out of bed to take a shower and freshen up. He left his address book on the table, open to the notation, "Pathway to the Citadel." Anton saw it when he reached for his bag of weed. There was a diagram marked with obscure comments, such as "transparent hum" and "sharp angle drop-off." He memorized the details as he packed his pipe.
Kliff emerged from the shower smelling like cinnamon and musk. The day was warm, and promised to get warmer. The autumn air was perfect in every way. The colors were oily and rich, dripping from the objects to which they were attached. Anton moved his hand in a crescendo of sound and light. "The slightest move has a magical effect," he thought, as he stared directly into Kliff's bright grin.
He was eager to taste Kliff again. They would merge together to the point of bursting, their faces would change places, their spines would meld. They would flip inside out like a glove. While all this was happening, he kept repeating in his mind the phrases he'd read, over and over like a mantra. He could imagine that Kliff was repeating them too.
• • •
In his room at the mental hospital, Timmins looked up from what he was writing and stared out the window. "I'm not sure if this is a letter to you," he told Anton, "or if I'm hearing voices in my head."
There were moments when Anton's life bled into his own in such a way that it was impossible to separate the two, like a dream that wouldn't go away even when he was awake. The broken tune the gardener hummed as he trimmed the shrubs had shown up later in one of Anton's songs. The patterns of cloud and light he saw from his window were the same ones that had inspired "The Omen."
Surely a great omen
People stand and stare
But who can understand
What's written there?
Words burn in the sky
There for all to see
But who can read them?
Not you, not me.
He wanted Anton to know that it was time to buy the farmhouse by the river. The widow who had been living there for many years was dead. No one had told him that, but he knew. He also knew that Anton's career was about to enter a stormy period. The time of tragedy and overreaching had begun. The old widow had died at just the right time, because with all the difficulties on the horizon, Anton would soon be too distracted to worry about him.
He would have liked for their lives to be different, with no suffering in store for either of them. He would have liked for the world to be a happier place. But he knew that the storms now gathering would only get worse. He suspected himself of having created the world when he was still in the cradle, and now it was unfolding. If there were parts of it he didn't like, he had only himself to blame.